When people let you down – part 2

How to discover your expectations?
Last month I posted an article about feeling let down part 1, and if you’re kind of curious as to what I wrote, here’s the link…Part 1: Feeling Let Down?
So after reading part 1, what did you discover? Did you gain any insight into how you have been thinking about your bff or family member?
Di d you notice that maybe you had this expectation?
“When I asked my friend to hang out with me, I already had a plan on us hanging out together?
OR
When I have trouble with my homework and I text my friend for the answer, I know “she/he will know the answer; they should text me back straight away?
Having expectations, especially high ones, throughout a relationship can be tricky to see. And sometimes people in general may not be able to live up to those expectations. So it is often a good reminder to ask your friend or family member if they are still happy to help you, or are they still happy to hang out for the night, or whatever your request happens to be!
Often our expectations stem from taking people for granted because they used to behave in a certain way and that set the tone for the relationship. It is when we don’t keep a tab on our “unrealistic or high expectations” that it can cause some damage to the relationship; and what you thought was a healthy or realistic expectation, might have changed for that person. So you can see how it’s really important to remember people change in relationships, or they may have major stressors in their life, which means their needs and goals may change; and it’s up to both of you to talk about the impact these changes might have on your relationship when the time is right.
How to cope with feeling let down!
Firstly it’s okay to have expectations, in fact it’s healthy and it is a part of human relationships. However it’s also important to acknowledge how you’re feeling about being let down:
1) Recognise how you feel and tell yourself “it’s okay to be feeling ……..(name the emotion)”
2) Ask yourself “what did I want from my friend or family member?”
3) Tell yourself “there has been a change in our relationship”
4) Ask your friend or family member “can we talk about …….. (Name the situation) as I am feeling………(name the emotion) as I need to understand what’s happening between us…….. Because our relationship is important to me. OR
5) I’m feeling…… and can I talk to you about something that has been on my mind……
Sometimes people might not want to talk about it, so one thing I have found really helpful is to talk to somebody else about what’s going on. Also telling myself “there is a lot of change happening, and everybody is entitled to change; and that I cannot control other people, I can only control my thoughts and behaviour towards myself and others.

How to work with expectations
Never take your relationships for granted or assume they will be available or do what you ask of them. Asking the question “have you got a minute to talk…?” or “are you available to do this….?” is a good way to ensure you are not taking the relationship for granted.
Asking questions can give you helpful information about where that person is at.
If that person makes a commitment to you and they break it, another helpful tip is to ask them:
“If something comes up where you can’t help me or catch up, then can you give me a call or a text to let me know?”
By taking this type of responsibility, it sends them a message on how you like to be treated. And secondly, you’re not disempowering yourself by assuming they will get in touch with you when they decide to break their commitment with you.
If they keep breaking their commitment, you might want to ask them something like:
“I’m noticing that you’re not able to keep your commitment with me, is there another arrangement that we can make that would work better for you”
Also letting them know how you feel about when they do break commitments multiple times in a row may help you to manage your emotions as well as help them to understand the impact their choices have on you and your relationship with them.
This takes time and practice, so be patient and gentle with yourself.
Quote: When a friend does something wrong, don’t forget all the things they did right.
b2utyandzeboice on 23/08/2012 – http://teen-quotes.com/?

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